9 bitter years (since I've been seeing your face)
by IcyLady
Summary: In which Kanda Yuu hates his birthday and everything that has to do with it. Can an unexpected, shocking "gift" change that? AU from Chapter 181 or so (at least).
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray Man and am not making any profit from this story. The title is lyrics from "Kill all your friends" by My Chemical Romance.**

**Author's note: Something different while I'm posting "Garden of fruitless blossoms", just because I simply cannot come to terms with the finale of Kanda's story in the manga, it's too cruel. While "Garden of fruitless blossoms" is completely AU to the whole of DGM, here I deviate from the original story at some point after they got the Arc but before the North American Branch mess. Timeline is probably incorrect, since I don't think Kanda's birthday occurred at that time, but, well, indulge me ;)**

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><p><strong>9 bitter years (since I've been seeing your face)<strong>

Kanda Yuu was a walking paradox. Well aware of his prettier-than-average, to say at least, face he took as much care about his long hair looking good as he took to always wear a scowl: angry, hate-filled, disdainful or just plain bored. Nobody could mistake him for a pleasant person, which was good because too many mistook him for a girl. He hated it with passion, but did not cut his hair, rather relishing in the opportunity to legitimately punch people. Wanting nothing to do with the Black Order, who had destroyed everything he could have hoped to have, he was their best Exorcist and took care to become even better, irreplaceable.

The latter was why, while he was not really a morning person, he punished himself by waking up before 5am every day to train already before breakfast. When he stopped to think about it, which wasn't often because he was half-asleep before starting the actual training, he told himself that he trained to get better, so that when time came, he could kill them all. However, in the privacy of his own, never voiced thoughts, he knew it was a lie. Inadvertently, unwillingly, he had let some people into his life and they were all part of the Black Order that he loathed more than anything else in the world.

One of the real reasons why he woke up so early to train was that he absolutely hated it when there were other people in the training room. He revelled in the peaceful calm if the Order's headquarters before people appeared and it was in that calm that he would train most efficiently. People distracted him, reminding him of how inhuman he was and irritating him by being weak and fragile. If they were Exorcists at least he could maybe hope for a sparring partner, if only in a few, select cases. Finders, on the other hand, who also came to train sometimes, tended to stop everything and stare. Did those idiots not know that he could feel their gazes burning into him?

Sometimes, when he was in a particularly foul mood, he would stop and snap at them and they would scatter like leaves on the wind and he would wish that he could slice them in half like he sometimes did with the leaves. He couldn't, not for the lack of skills but because he was not allowed. Nine years ago he had been clearly told that the moment anybody thinks he's a danger to the general populace, especially the people belonging to the Order, he would be frozen and put away. Even though he hated his life, he didn't want that to happen. He wanted to find the woman from the fragmented memories of his previous self, to keep his promise even though he was sure she would be dead by now.

That was the only reason why Lavi still remained unscratched, despite doing his best to irritate him at every possibility. Also, if Kanda wanted to be honest with himself, Lavi went unscratched because Kanda actually did appreciate the existence of somebody who was not afraid to irritate him. Chasing after the idiot rabbit or the damned beansprout helped him forget just how desperately alone he was in the world. Not that he would ever voice those thoughts of course.

That particular morning he was in a particularly foul mood, more so than usually. It was one of the days of the year that he hated just for existing and the sky was the bright blue he abhorred. There were no disturbances to his training, which should have been good, but wasn't. Paradoxically, as he finished his training routine, he almost wished for a distraction. A useless Finder or the idiot rabbit, even the infuriating beansprout would have been better than the thoughts swirling in his head. Usually easy to push away when he held Mugen, the thoughts were persistent that day, nearly making him commit errors in the routine. That, even though he had an undying body, was not acceptable.

Resigned to go back to the training room after breakfast, he made for the door, stopping only when he heard footsteps approaching. At this time of day, many people were already awake and despite his swirling thoughts, he was reluctant to meet them. He liked solitude, something that the rabbit and beansprout didn't seem to understand, and meeting people was risking that they would ask something or say the words he absolutely dreaded to hear.

Rapid footsteps became louder and Kanda pushed himself against the wall, close to the door, to avoid detection. The people disturbing his morning were Reever and Komui, he could identify their footsteps by now, and they could have been searching for him. Whatever they wanted he didn't want it, unless it was to send him for a mission immediately, which he didn't think would happen. Even though nobody would say anything, Kanda knew that this particular day he was "off duty".

'-just means one more Exorcist,' Komui was saying. One more Exorcist what? Dead? However, Komui's voice sounded rather happy, so it couldn't be that, Kanda reasoned. Komui was one of the despairingly few people in the administrative structures of the Black Order to actually care about the Exorcists.

'It will be a great birthday gift,' Reever replied, making Kanda scowl, because there was only one person who had birthday that horrid day. He didn't care to hear Komui's reply, suddenly furious. Didn't he say it clearly enough that he wanted no birthday gifts, no birthday parties, not even birthday wishes? If he could he would erase that day from the calendar and everybody who cared enough to learn that it was his birthday knew it perfectly well. Was it really so hard to respect this one wish he had? Was he not an asset enough to the Order to have that one, small wish granted?

Besides, why would a new Exorcist be a "great birthday gift" for Kanda? He snorted at the notion, making for the showers and then to his room to change quickly before eating. Why would the fact that another poor soul was imprisoned by the destructive organisation of Vatican make Kanda happy? It was not like they would be closer to winning the war. This was a hilarious notion, or a wretchedly sad one, depending on how he looked at it. They were never going to win that war, this much became clear with the appearance of Noah.

He shook the insane musings away from his mind as he stepped into the canteen, unfortunately already full of people and chatter. There was a queue of Finders waiting for the meal and he made to cut it, taking advantage of the fact that it was his birthday and Jerry would not scold him for being impolite. Not that he cared about what Jerry thought, but the snickers that comment usually earned from the Finders pushed Kanda dangerously close to drawing Mugen and not looking back at the warnings he had been given.

There was a group of Exorcists, surprisingly many of them being in the headquarters every morning now that they used the Ark to move around. They were standing close to the entrance, chattering excitedly and Kanda cringed internally when the chatter died as they had spotted them. He ignored them pointedly, looking only at the queue as he made his way into the large room.

'Are you sure you want-' Lavi asked in a hushed, worried tone. They better not be doing what Kanda thought they were or he would lose it. He didn't hear the answer to Lavi's half-asked question and he fought to not walk faster, not let them know that he heard anything. Suddenly not hungry anymore, he briefly contemplated leaving the canteen altogether before the Exorcists could make their move. He could go without a breakfast, could he? He just about reached his decision when the next words reached him.

'Happy birthday Yuu.'

He froze, because it was the voice echoing in his worst nightmares: the ones about innocence, the real innocence, destroyed forever, tarnished and tainted by the most vicious organisation Kanda had ever heard of. Only, it was impossible, because-

Had that been recorded anywhere? Had there been constant surveillance? Kanda didn't doubt it and the nauseating thought, of the Exorcists laying their hands on those recordings, was drowned in a surge of white hot fury. If those idiots had thought that it would make a good surprise then Kanda was finally going to lose it and kill them all. He would not care anymore about what would happen afterwards because there was only so much he could endure.

Barely managing to keep control over himself and not draw Mugen immediately, he spun around on his heel, ready to unleash his anger. However, nothing like that happened. His brain, blinded by the fury, numbly registered that what he was sure was a murderous scowl dissolved into a shocked and confused expression. Then his brain promptly ceased to function because in front of him, wearing a custom made Exorcist uniform, stood- It was not possible, was it?

Alma, because it must have been Alma, only grown-up, smiled softly at Kanda's wordless reaction. Alma? Kanda found himself unable to even voice the question because surely that was just an illusion or a cruel joke of his ignorant comrades, who, he noted absent-mindedly, were watching him intently. But Alma had kept his hairstyle the same and there was still that scar on his nose. Why wouldn't his seal heal it? Yuu never understood it and neither did Kanda.

'I'm sorry I made you wait so long, but I'm here now,' Alma said, his brown eyes, the very same brown eyes Kanda had seen so often in his dreams, in his nightmares, serious over the bubbling happiness. Kanda dared not hope that it was real, because it couldn't be, could it? He had to remind himself to breathe, his mind trying to process this new- Was Alma the "one more Exorcist" that had Komui mentioned that morning? But he had-

'How-' he started and cut himself. How come you're alive? He could hardly ask that, could he? Alma's smile seemed to say that he could, but Alma always smiled at everything, even- He didn't want to think about it.

'Long story short is that my body started to regenerate eventually,' Alma started calmly, quietly, looking at Kanda steadily. Kanda squeezed his eyes shut, assaulted by the images of how he had left Alma in pieces, how he had literally hacked the regenerative core out of his only friend's body. I'm so sorry Alma, echoed in his head. What a lame thing to say after repeatedly killing the only person who cared for him. He felt nauseous, like after the worst of the nightmares.

'Bak Chang was the one to notice, he told me afterwards,' Alma continued and Kanda forced himself to listen, opening his eyes to lock them with the brown gaze that had kept him sane through the worst. 'Instead of telling anybody, he put me into confinement and waited till I came back completely. I came back with all my anger,' Alma laughed briefly. The mirroring anger flared in Kanda because the Order had done unspeakable things to them. 'But Bak tried to make me understand and in the end I kind of did, or rather I managed to cope with it. He had me trained and taught, waiting for the right time to make it public that I had survived.'

'Make it public,' Kanda whispered incredulously, anger bubbling through the shock. Alma was alive and nobody had told him? They let him continue thinking that he had killed his only friend? They let him live on in the hell of regret and guilt? They-

'He wanted to tell you, but I was afraid that you hated me,' Alma admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. The words were like a slap on the face to Kanda and he physically recoiled. He didn't know what he could say, but Alma continued. 'Then he found out you didn't, but he was afraid that you'd do something to betray- Damn, there's no excuse, Yuu,' Alma paused. 'I missed you so much,' he added and took the remaining couple of steps that were between them.

Before Kanda could do anything, before he could even register the words properly, he was being hugged tightly. Hugged! Nobody had ever hugged him, nobody but Alma and- Oh God, that meant Alma really was there, didn't it? The arms desperately holding him close could not be an illusion and the soft sob that escaped his only friend could not be an auditory hallucination.

Alma-

Kanda found himself hugging the other back with the same ferocity, squeezing his eyes tightly shut again, because Kanda Yuu did not cry, never. Only right now he was just Yuu and Yuu cried, sometimes. That moment seemed like a good time to cry because it had been nine bitter years since the day when his hope had died. Nine horribly long years had passed since he had thought for the first and last time that he and Alma could run away and maybe be happy somewhere far. Nine hate-filled years he had been living with the blood on his hands, the blood that he could never wash off and never repent for. Nine years' worth of loneliness and pain came crashing back against him.

He was vaguely aware of the dead silence that stretched around them, because Alma's sobs seemed to echo in the huge canteen. He hoped, also vaguely, that Alma's whispers, promising they would stay together forever now, were only audible to him. They were making a scene, he knew and he found that he couldn't bring himself to care. He would scare the wits out of anybody who would dare to make fun of him over this and maybe- He wasn't sure if he dared to voice the idea even in the privacy of his thoughts.

Maybe this time he would have Alma's help.

He pushed away and looked at the other's face, searching for any sign of forgery, because if he let himself believe this was real and it wasn't- He didn't want to even consider the possibility and it was becoming more and more difficult to not believe that it was Alma in front of him, impossible as it seemed.

With a soft, somewhat watery smile, Alma placed both hands on the sides of Kanda's face and brushed the tears from Kanda's cheeks with his thumbs, in a gesture that was not exactly something a friend would do. Kanda found that he didn't mind. If this was Alma, if this really was his Alma- Well, Alma could do whatever he wanted as long as they stayed together, as long as they could find a way out together. He watched how the other brushed his own tears as well, with his sleeve.

'They call me Alma Karma now,' his only friend said, echoing the words from the past, a blush of shyness colouring his face. Kanda wished he knew how to smile a smile that did not spell death. 'I heard that you call yourself Kanda Yuu now. Can I call you Yuu?' he asked with a mischievous smile.

Kanda punched him on the shoulder and Alma laughed delightedly and, oh God, it felt like something was lifted from his chest, something that had been constricting his breathing for so long that Kanda had forgotten how it felt to breathe freely. Maybe, one day, Kanda would also learn again how it was to laugh, he thought. Just the idea was overwhelming.

'You guys really know each other?' Lavi asked, bursting the bubble around Kanda and Alma and reminding the former that they were not alone. Amazingly, Kanda felt no anger as he glanced at the assembled Exorcists. They were all in various stages of shock, except for Marie, who had a vague smile on his lips. Did Marie remember Alma's voice? He wasn't sure what to think about it, considering that Marie only knew the crazy, bloodthirsty Alma.

Before Kanda could find words to say, not that he had any idea where to start, Alma was smiling so brightly that he must have blinded the others, wrapping his arm around Kanda's shoulders. He was exactly the same height, Kanda noted absently, realising that he did not shrink from the touch. He tried to imagine how life would be from then on, because it couldn't simply continue as it was, could it?

'We're childhood friends,' Alma announced brightly. Internally, Kanda cringed at the idea of having to tell the others more about their childhood. Lavi would surely ask, unless Lavi knew already but then his question was stupid. Bookman Junior did not ask stupid questions. 'I'm really glad to see that Yuu had made more friends while I was away,' Alma added. What the-

'They're not my friends,' Kanda hissed out of habit. He was starting to pull himself out of the shock, but his voice carried no venom yet. He needed to talk with Alma before the annoying kid- Wait, Alma was no longer a kid, same as he wasn't. It would take a while to get used to this new development, Kanda realised, for the first time happy about a new Exorcist joining the Black Order.

Before anybody could say anything more, beansprout's stomach growled loudly enough to make the Finders look at him incredulously. The beansprout's face flushed bright red, while Alma laughed.

'Sorry, I think I need to get some food. Now,' beansprout said. Lavi laughed and added something about moving before the scene became tearful and touching. Kanda wanted to punch him, but Alma still had an arm around his shoulders. He was irrationally afraid that if he moved away, the other would disappear, so he stayed put.

'Yes, food,' Alma exclaimed enthusiastically. 'I hope your cook has enough mayonnaise,' he added as Lavi and Allen led the group towards Jerry's window, completely ignoring the queue. None of the Finders queuing dared to say anything, even if Kanda wasn't glaring at them.

'Are you still putting mayonnaise over everything?' Kanda asked with a mildly disgusted wince, the few happy memories from the Sixth Lab flashing in front of his eyes. Alma happily told him that mayonnaise was the best food ever discovered. Immediately, Lavi wanted to make a bet that he would not manage to feed any to Kanda, who only ever ate soba. Alma of course took the challenge and Kanda cringed at the thought of the upcoming few meals. Alma was not afraid of him, after all, he had no reasons to be. The idea that he would finally have a worthwhile sparring partner crossed Kanda's mind.

'He and Daisya would have gotten along pretty well, don't you think?' Marie asked quietly, making Kanda snort. The thought of Daisya still stung, but he had come to terms with the fact that the annoying Turk was gone for good. Such were the lives of the Exorcists: they ran great risks every day and eventually they made mistakes.

'Komui put him in our team,' Marie added, snapping Kanda out of his thoughts. The latter didn't bother to tell Marie that no other possibility would have been accepted by him. He supposed that Marie, who was the only one privy to some stories about Alma, knew.

It was needless to say that Jerry was delighted to have another parasitic Exorcist on the premises, that is until Alma had demanded to all but drown Jerry's day's special in mayonnaise. Kanda was honestly looking to more Alma-caused distress and he didn't even scowl at the cook, when the latter gave him his soba along with a rushed "happy birthday Kanda". Today, just this one time, he would let it slide, he decided. He could do that because the words did not echo with the innocent and happy "happy birthday Yuu" from the past anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello there dear readers! I know that this story was supposed to be a one shot but I got a bit excited over the comeback of the manga and really, really wanted to write something new. And since this story has more potential for angst and fluff and there are nearly not enough stories with Alma inside the choice was obvious!**

**Please enjoy and review. There might be more coming!**

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><p>Having Alma back was like a dream come true. It was a dream come true, a dream Kanda had never even dared to dream, because just thinking about Alma and what he had done to his only friend was too painful. But now Alma was back, safe and sound and smiling. It was wonderful and exhilarating and terrifying. With each minute that passed, with each smile that Alma directed at him, Kanda was slipping deeper into the warm bliss. With each moment he was more and more afraid to wake up and find out that it was just a dream and it was getting progressively difficult to ignore that fear.<p>

The first shock has passed and his brain tried to bend the reality around the fact that Alma was real and alive, in one piece, sitting next to him on the hard bench. He could feel the warmth of the other's body from where their knees touched, so close they were sitting. The others were giving him strange looks for that, but he didn't care. He needed some proof that the person next to him was neither an illusion nor a dream, a proof that Alma wasn't going to disappear. He barely dared to look away from the smiling face and eat, making him much slower than he would be usually.

Usually he would eat as fast as possible and escape the group that was now around him, but centred solely on Alma. They were asking question after question and Alma was answering, while Kanda looked on as the outsider he always tried to be. They didn't try to include him, for once, and only Lavi gave him speculative looks whenever Alma turned to smile at him brightly. Usually he would scowl at the redhead for looks like that, but this time he was too busy making sure that Alma didn't disappear in a puff of air to care. And he didn't. Instead he talked and laughed with the others, looking and sounding as though he had always been there. As he watched it, Kanda was slowly starting to accept that his only friend really was there.

The possibilities this fact brought multiplied in his head and each time Alma smiled they seemed more probable. Surrounded by people who couldn't possibly understand him, Kanda had learnt to keep his distance, but Alma did understand him. Alma knew about the forced synchronisation and the pain of knowing they were something unnatural and demonic. Finally Kanda was not the only one carrying the burden of the Order's bloody secret. Alma was the only one who ever dared to stand against him, the suicidal, stupid Beansprout not included, and Kanda relished in the fact. Most would be surprised, but he hated to be feared and avoided as though he carried the plague.

Of course there was the other half of him, which said he deserved that treatment. The choice he had made that fateful day still haunted him, because what good was the excuse to want to find the woman in his fragmented dreams if it required to kill his only friend? He had made that choice and, back then, he had held onto it firmly, but with every failure his resolve weakened and he knew he was only going on because to admit defeat would be to admit that Alma had died in vain.

'Remember, Yuu?' Alma asked cheerfully, the question and a poke snapping Kanda out of his gloomy thoughts. He looked at the other and met the warm, brown gaze that wanted to melt something within him. He blinked and looked at the others, feeling their curious eyes on him. What was it they were talking about? His breath almost caught as he realized he had spaced out and did not pay close attention to make sure Alma didn't disappear.

'You should know that BaKanda never listens,' Beansprout laughed, focusing Kanda's glare on himself. 'It's a wonder he's still here though,' he added while Alma cheerfully told them that he and Yuu were the only ones around so Yuu had no choice but to listen.

'Only because you would never shut up,' Kanda snapped, momentarily transported back in time to when Alma would go on and on about the most insane subjects. Just like back then, the boy, the man in question laughed shortly and reminded him about being civil to people around and Kanda literally heard everybody hold their breaths, expecting him to explode. He had a reputation to keep up, he thought, getting up and leaving the table. Only Alma didn't give a damn about his reputation and cheerfully followed, gathering both of their plates, Kanda's little, half-eaten soba portion drowning in the multitude of dishes Alma had eaten.

'I have to talk for both of us, Yuu,' Alma said with a soft smile and something warm uncoiled in Kanda's stomach. He fought to not let it show, but he did wait for Alma to deposit the empty plates, well aware of the looks he was getting for it. After all, Kanda Yuu didn't wait for others. 'How about you show me around the place?' the doom of Kanda's reputation asked with a bright smile.

'Why don't you go alone?' Kanda spat back, even though something inside cringed at the harsh words he didn't want heeded. Alma seemed to understand, because he merely smiled brightly and grabbed Kanda's arm to lead him out of the canteen. A wave of whispers exploded when Kanda didn't pull away and threaten Alma with Mugen, an idea the samurai had entertained and given up on. Alma would not back off in front of Mugen and Kanda would not stand down either, starting a vicious fight there and then, for everybody to see and the last thing Kanda wanted was to show the others that Alma was the same unnatural freak he was.

'Of course I could go alone, but it's much funnier with you,' Alma replied once they were out of the hearing range of the people in the canteen. He was all but hanging on Kanda's arm, like he would back in the horrifying darkness of the Sixth Lab. Only, unlike back then, Kanda didn't brush him off rudely, because the image of Alma's dead body was still fresh in his mind. 'I missed you,' he added and Kanda would have chocked on his own breath at hearing those words again, only he had heard footsteps behind them and he did brush Alma off him to turn around and point the unsheathed blade of his Innocence at the intruders.

'Woah, Yuu, calm down,' said Lavi, instinctively raising his hands where he stood just half a step ahead of Lenalee and Beansprout. The tip of Mugen's blade was nearly touching his neck and Kanda ignored Alma's hand on his shoulder, trying to tell him to calm down. He hissed at the idiot rabbit to not use his first name.

'Kanda,' Lenalee started in her most stern voice and Kanda cringed inwardly. He hated when she did this, not because he was afraid but because Tiedoll had been extremely strict on the idea of not hitting girls. At the same time, Lavi pointed out that Alma called Kanda by his given name, as though it changed anything. 'We just wanted to join you two and show Alma around the headquarters,' Lenalee continued before Kanda could protest against Lavi's statement.

'That's very nice of you guys,' Alma said from behind Kanda, his hand still on Kanda's shoulder. Again, Kanda cringed inwardly, because he knew Alma would agree and he could never deny Alma anything, not any more than he could leave the other and go somewhere to meditate. 'But we'd like some time to catch up also, so maybe we can arrange to meet for lunch?' Alma suggested much to Kanda's shock. The other three looked surprised as well.

'Well, I'll be damned, you really are BaKanda's friend,' Beansprout muttered and Mugen's blade changed direction to point at him, much to rabbit's faked relief. They both knew that Kanda wasn't going to kill him. 'I want to know how that was possible,' Beansprout added with a wicked grin and the trio wished them nice sightseeing before disappearing.

'I'm glad that you found friends,' Alma said softly, while Kanda sheathed Mugen and protested that the others were not his friends. 'You could have fooled me,' Alma replied and their eyes locked for a moment, for once serious. 'I never wanted you to be alone,' he whispered and Kanda looked away. 'I felt betrayed, that day, yes. I was angry when I came back, but I think I always hoped that you are not alone because being alone was the worst thing I have lived through.'

'I'm sorry,' Kanda whispered back, fully aware of how inadequate his apology was. What was he even apologizing for? Killing Alma? Betraying him? Leaving him alone in the Asian Branch while he had gone onto his search for ghosts? When he thought about it now, it seemed like such a stupid thing to do, but he still wanted to find her. Back then, when he had cut Alma apart, he had thought he could find her. Now he expected to only find a grave at best and it seemed entirely unworthy of the sacrifice he had made.

'Don't be,' Alma said, wrapping arms around Kanda in the second hug of that day and the second hug in the last nine years. He hugged back in the instinct he was surprised to find he had. 'I was wrong. I can ever repent for all the lives I had taken, I cannot even ask your forgiveness for trying to kill you and-'

'You are forgiven,' Kanda said in a rush. Alma hugged him tighter but the approaching footsteps made Kanda step away instinctively. 'There is a place where we can talk undisturbed,' he said, fighting to not blush as a Finder passed and gave them a curious look. Alma smiled and nodded and in a matter of minutes they found themselves sitting cross-legged on the floor in Kanda's room, facing each other.

Kanda spoke first. He told Alma about his dreams, describing the woman as best as he could, having never clearly seen her face. He repeated the words of the promise he had made and how Mugen had woken him up. He admitted he had wanted to escape from the Order with Alma and how Alma's desire for them to die had awakened the desire to see Her in Yuu. He was nearly in tears when he told Alma about the grief and doubts that had found him right after and the suffocating pain of memories. He described quickly his apprenticeship with Tiedoll and Daisya, who had died pointlessly, and Marie, whom he had saved that fateful day. He talked about his arrival to the headquarters and how he found himself unable to not help Lenalee out and how Lavi had introduced himself as a permanent pain in the ass and Allen as the infuriating saviour. He said how he had failed to find Her and how he expected to never find her anyway, how he was stupid to have killed Alma over a ghost. Alma listened quietly, seriously, his eyes never leaving Kanda as he spoke, not even when tears streamed from them and down his cheeks.

'When they took you away,' Alma started when it became obvious that Kanda was done. 'They put me in restraints, so that I wouldn't go and steal you out again, but I broke free and I found the Innocence. The Crows found me and attacked but of course they couldn't kill me. Instead they damaged the Innocence containers, you know those weird shapes it grew out of, and I saw people. I saw dead people and I understood that it was their Innocence,' Alma paused. 'I heard them talking, before, about your "original memories" and I realized we were somehow made from those people. I'm not even sure how I knew it, but I did and I got angry beyond belief. How dare they defile bodies and force us to synchronise? How dare they feed us with their lies? I snapped. I barely even remember killing everybody, but I clearly see you appearing, carrying that huge guy on your back. I thought then: let's go away. Let's go somewhere they cannot find us.'

'Death seemed the only answer, even though now I realize how stupid it was,' he continued, never looking away from Kanda's face which, Kanda knew, was showing his horror at what Alma was saying. 'If they brought us back from the dead once they could have done it again. And in the end this is exactly what has happened. You killed me a couple of times, but I always came back to face you again and then one time you killed me and when I came back you were not there anymore. I was locked in a cell made of something that my Innocence couldn't cut. I didn't realize, in the beginning that time has passed. I thought we had just killed each other and the Order charged in, separating us.'

'When Bak Chang appeared in the window on the wall I thought he was doctor Edgar and I cursed the Order for not even letting the others go, I spat abuse at him and at everybody and I demanded to see you,' Alma laughed humourlessly. Kanda swallowed. When had that been? Where had he been then? Had he already left the Asian Branch or had they kept Alma secret from him, letting him drown in misery and guilt? 'When I screamed myself hoarse, Bak Chang introduced himself and told me a year had passed since out fight.'

'A year,' Kanda repeated. Alma nodded, sadness prominent in his brown eyes. A year, Kanda thought, trying to remember where he had been a year after Alma's "death". With Tiedoll, somewhere between the Asian Branch and the headquarters, trying to cope with guilt and haunting dreams. And Bak Chang had said nothing, letting him continue like that.

'More than a year has passed afterwards, until I started to see reason,' Alma continued. 'I tried to kill myself numerous times, but the Seal always brought me back. I tried to destroy the walls that enclosed me, I refused to eat. Bak Chang took it with calm and reason. He had me healed, he had me restrained and fed and he always said that you were waiting for me. I didn't believe him. I knew you must have hated me for trying so hard to kill you. I knew that you only killed me to fight for your life. Then one day Bak told me how bad you were after the battle and I realized that I made you suffer with my selfish choices.'

'My choices were no less selfish,' Kanda protested, but Alma only shook his head.

'I forced them on you. And for that I can never apologize enough,' he said. 'I realized it then and I realized that my hate for the Order would bring me nowhere, while becoming an Exorcist, like I was meant to, could bring me to you. And I wanted to see you, I missed you so much that it hurt and I was so afraid you'd hate me. You have every right to. Bak claimed you didn't and I dared to hope, but Bak was worried you'd do something reckless so he asked me for patience until I could be deemed stable and worthy of being an Exorcist,' he said.

'Worthy of being an Exorcist,' Kanda spat out, getting up angrily, ready to storm out and kick some asses. He would show them what he thought about their worth, damn it. But Alma shot up as well and stopped him before he could take more than a step, putting hands on his shoulders and forcing him to look into the brown, calm eyes.

'Don't make my mistake, Yuu,' he said quietly. 'I still hate them. I hate them so much it hurts, because of what they did to us. But we have learnt the hard way that trying to fight them outright will only bring more pain and misery,' he said with a painful grimace. However, it only made Kanda angrier and Alma probably realized, because his hands moved from Kanda's shoulders to the sides of Kanda's face. 'Please, Yuu. I cannot bear to see you hurt anymore and they would hurt you for attacking them. If they think either of us is a danger, they will try to terminate us again,' he pleaded, his eyes locked with Kanda's.

'It didn't work the first time,' Kanda pointed out in a strangled whisper, unable to look away from Alma's pleading gaze. God knew how much he had wanted to die then, but now Alma smiled and said that he was glad it hadn't worked and Kanda was glad as well. 'You want us to be their perfect weapons then?' he asked after a moment, because what other choice did they have? Alma let go of him and stepped away, looking at the window.

'I want us to be together. That's all I know for now. There is a feeling within me that tells me it is the only way things are supposed to be. Us being together,' he said thoughtfully, after a long pause. Kanda studied his profile, noting the changes since Alma had been a kid, wondering why it seemed so familiar. He had never seen anybody who would resemble Alma even slightly. Finally, he echoed Alma's words: "I want us to be together", and the other smiled at him brightly.

'Then you will let me win the bet I made with Lavi?' he asked and it took Kanda a moment to realize what he was talking about, sounding more like his old self than he did moments ago. Just like that, the serious topic was gone and Alma was smiling mischievously. Kanda narrowed his eyes and said that he saw no reason to eat mayonnaise, to which Alma made puppy eyes. 'Not even to make me happy?' he asked in a mock pleading tone that had nothing to do with the tone he used to ask Kanda to not do anything rash.

'I have a reputation to keep, you idiot,' Kanda protested hotly. He could just imagine the teasing if he agreed to Alma's suggestions without a fight. 'Get it out of your stupid head that I will do something like that,' he said and even Alma's puppy eyes would not change his mind. Who the hell did the damned idiot think he was, after all?

Alma, his treacherous mind provided. Alma, for whom Kanda would do everything, whom Kanda cared for more than anything or anybody else in the world. He said nothing of that out loud though, and only glared when Alma said it was time for lunch and that he had promised to meet the others. Kanda wanted to skip on the promise, but Alma wanted to go. Letting Alma out of sight was still out of question, so Kanda followed him grudgingly, complaining about the idiots who surrounded him in the Order. Alma took it all with laughter and sly questions as to why Kanda spent so much time with the said idiots and Kanda did not like what he was insinuating. He followed Alma into the canteen, too late realizing what the excited exclamation of his only friend could mean.

'Happy birthday, Kanda,' echoed powerfully the moment he appeared in the doorway and Kanda stood stunned, looking at the gathered Exorcists, beaming at him. Even Tiedoll was there, probably having arrived in the headquarters especially for the day. The white coats of the science department people were easy to spot just behind the Exorcists. The Finders were there as well, probably on the orders for Komui, because the Finders hated Kanda. There was even a colourful banner, hanging above everybody's heads and Kanda took a step back.

His birthday was nothing to celebrate. The day when he emerged from a pit of water, confused and weak, only to be subjected to daily torture. The day when he met him who became his only friend only to be murdered by Kanda's own hands. He didn't want to remember that day and he wanted to celebrate it even less. He took another step back, knowing that next he will turn around and leave, ignoring the pleading and shouting that would ensue, as he did every year. He bumped into something solid, into somebody who put hands on his arms, holding him tight enough so that he couldn't move.

'Happy birthday, Yuu,' Alma whispered into his ear and Kanda's thoughts paused, the bubbling anger dissipating. Alma was there, alive. He should not forget that fact, but it didn't give them the excuse to ignore his wishes. He still hated his existence and wished he had never woken up from the water pit. He still had killed Alma over and over again.

'Let me go,' he gritted out, trying to struggle. But Alma was strong. 'I don't want this. I never wanted this and just because they cannot understand I-'

'Humour them, Yuu,' Alma suggested mildly. Like hell he would, Kanda thought, trying again to get free. 'Let's start a new life together. A life when we can also be happy,' Alma added softly, wistfully. The words pulled on something deeply hidden in Kanda's heart and soul and he stopped struggling. He wanted to be happy, he really did, even if he never deserved happiness. Plus, could he ever refuse anything to Alma?


	3. Chapter 3

Alma's plea was the only thing that made Kanda go through the horrible ordeal of the birthday "party" without turning on his heel and leaving the canteen. That and the growing suspicion that Alma would not have let him leave and he did not want to endure jokes about how he was not the strongest anymore. Eventually they would come, but for the moment it was bad enough that he had to blow candles. There were ten too many, but only Alma knew that and Kanda wanted to keep it that way. The birthday gifts afterwards were unsurprisingly few, considering the numbers of the Order, but Kanda did not care in the least and thankfully everybody dispersed afterwards, letting him eat.

Of course it would be too much to ask for a calm meal, he thought bitterly when those Exorcists he had grudgingly considered to be friends of a kind crowded around him, pestering him to open the three gifts he had received. He yielded only to stop himself from worrying about the contents of the nicely wrapped packages. After the catastrophic gifts a couple of years ago he didn't even open the gifts that somehow got sneaked into his room the day after his birthday, but he had a feeling Alma would have none of that so he might just as well get the pain over with.

'Open this one first, Yuu,' Lavi exclaimed when Kanda sighed with resignation. The damned redhead knew him too well, correctly understanding that the sigh was a sign of surrender. 'This one is from us,' the redhead continued excitedly. Too excitedly, Kanda decided, glaring that the Bookman Junior.

'Don't call me that,' he hissed, but there was not even the space around him to draw Mugen and even on his birthday Kanda was not allowed to hurt other Exorcists. Judging by Lavi's sly smile, the damned redhead knew, so Kanda added a hateful "idiot rabbit" in the end of his half-threat. Only Alma and Lavi looked amused and the former poked Kanda to open the gift.

Wearily, Kanda did unwrap the dark blue paper. He truly dreaded the contents, expecting some joke, since Lavi and Beansprout were involved. There was a box inside, with a calligraphed sentence that Kanda did not bother to read. He wanted to pretend to think the box was the gift and put it away, but Lavi, Beansprout and Alma the traitor shouted "open it" when he tried. So he did and found a surprisingly reasonable gift of polishing oil for Mugen. Of course the thoughtful offering was spoiled by its second part: a shampoo in a pale pink container.

'Since you only care for two things in the world, BaKanda, we gave you something to take care of them,' Beansprout said, badly hiding his desire to laugh at Kanda's furious and embarrassed glare. The Japanese snapped the box shut, trying his best to ignore the blush creeping up his cheeks because he was recently using the very same shampoo. It was very good for his hair and he liked the delicate smell more than lavender, which was what his previous shampoo smelled of.

Not that anybody needed to know any of it, he thought, mentally stamping on the treacherous thoughts until they were gone and forgotten and he could growl at the laughing Alma to shut up. He barely stopped himself from smashing the incriminating gift through somebody's head. Why did he even agree to do this? He didn't need to get polishing oil if it meant everybody making fun of his shampoo and the gift would have nicely fit into the trash unopened. So why did he open it? Ah yes, because Alma wanted it. Alma had forced him and now he was laughing with the others, the damned traitor.

'So what are the other two gifts?' Lenalee asked curiously and Kanda turned his attention to the biggest package that sat in front of him on the table. 'I think this one if from brother,' she added and gently poked the box. The box whirred in reply and everybody froze, laughter forgotten.

'A gift from the science division?' Lavi asked wearily, speaking the question that was probably on everybody's mind and suddenly Kanda had much more space around him as everybody took a step back. Only Alma didn't move away, but Alma hadn't been around long enough yet, he didn't know that the science division periodically came up with contraptions that threatened to half the population of the headquarters. The whirring in the box stopped, replaced by a regular, ticking noise, reminding Kanda of the sound gears in a big, old clock would make.

'We made an automatized opponent for you to practice your swordplay with,' Komui exclaimed excitedly from somewhere behind Kanda. 'Open it, open it! It knows everything we could teach it about sword tactics and it knows all the moves we found described in the libraries. It should learn as you practice with it also, because otherwise it's just boring, right? And we even gave it a sword,' he enthused. The box shuddered minimally and Kanda found himself edging away. He could easily translate Komui's description and it meant: inside there was an armed robot that would learn everything Kanda could do and would never get tired of fighting.

'Maybe you should wait with opening that one until you're in the training room,' Lavi said slowly and his tone said: "maybe we should burn it first and open it later". It was one of the rare cases when Kanda agreed with the rabbit whole-heartedly and he only nodded mutely. They both cringed when Komui offered to take it to the training room and thankfully Lavi thought fast, suggesting a couple of Finders do it. Before Komui could protest, he called four of them and whispered "burn it" as they took the ticking box. And Kanda knew that nobody needed to repeat the request a second time: the Finders feared Komui's inventions even more than the Exorcists.

'Right,' Beansprout said in the awkward silence that fell in the canteen. A collective sigh of relief whispered through the air and Kanda glanced at the last package, expecting whom it was from and very worried. He was sure that his self-proclaimed father and general meant well, but the old man had a very different outlook on life than Kanda and the contents of the gift could be the embarrassment of his life.

'Come on, open it, Yuu,' Lavi said with a sly smile, probably thinking along the same lines as Kanda. He ignored the threat of disembowelment if he used Kanda's given name one more time and Alma scolded Kanda softly for being violent. Beansprout looked like it was his own birthday and he got the most amazing gift ever, while Lenalee smiled approvingly. Kanda would have to have a private word with Alma later.

Knowing there was no way around the problem, Kanda opened the last package revealing a gift that was as thoughtful as it was undesired, considering the audience he had. It was the Order's worst kept secret that Kanda took care of the gardens and so nobody was surprised by the set of brand new garden tools, except for Alma, who couldn't know. And of course Alma asked and Kanda answered, unable to stop blushing for the second time. Damn Tiedoll, he thought, even though he was grateful for the gift.

'I heard the other scissor break,' said Marie calmly and Kanda nodded, thanking him quietly. He owed the huge man a lot, because, as far as Tiedoll went, the gift was not bad and probably Marie's idea as well. 'And since the Master was late ordering the new violin,' the blind man continued with a small smile, letting the sentence hang unfinished as Kanda froze. He should have known that the old man would not get the hint of Kanda accidentally dropping the previous violin over the edge of a window facing a particularly deep ravine.

'The new violin?' Alma picked up unfalteringly, loud enough for the others to hear where Marie's statement might have gone unnoticed. 'Can you play violin, Yuu?' he asked in delight that Kanda knew was not mocking in the slightest. It didn't help, because the question got repeated by the incredulous Beansprout and the sly rabbit and they would mock the bad-ass-foul-mouthed-samurai for playing a violin.

'No,' he lied through gritted teeth, knowing that he fooled nobody. He was mildly surprised that nobody called him on the lie, but then Tiedoll spoke and Kanda realized that everybody scattered out of respect for the general.

'I am very glad that you stayed, son,' the general said with that fond smile Kanda wanted to scratch off his face. 'And I am pleased to meet you, Alma, it is a very fortunate event that you have arrived to the Order finally,' he added and Alma somehow managed to smile brightly. How he could do it, Kanda did not know. The Order had done unspeakable things to Alma and yet Alma smiled now as he greeted Tiedoll with respect.

'The pleasure is all mine, general Tiedoll. Bak told me a lot about you,' he said. Did he? Tiedoll asked the question out loud and Alma said that indeed Bak seemed to have a very good opinion about Tiedoll. Was that why Kanda had been stuck with the infuriating general? 'I am happy to be able to meet you myself and thank you for taking care of Yuu,' the stupid Alma added, uncharacteristically serious.

'Stop talking about me like this,' Kanda hissed, hoping that nobody heard neither Alma's words nor Kanda's hiss and certainly not Alma's "I'll take care of him now" as the annoying idiot completely ignored Kanda. He wondered if it could get any worse when Tiedoll hugged Alma tightly, saying things Kanda didn't care to hear. It was enough that he heard the old man sob as he spoke.

He got up to leave, deciding that this was more than enough, but Lavi intercepted him and silenced him with a plate of tempura soba. Not just any tempura, Kanda noted, recognizing all his favourite vegetables in the crispy dough. Next to him, Alma sat down looking a bit tearful after his conversation with Tiedoll. He smiled at Kanda and then thanked Beansprout who brought him a tray full of dishes. Around them, the other Exorcists materialized with their own trays, picking up the conversations from the breakfast.

There was a shocked pause when Alma snatched a piece of tempura from Kanda's plate. It continued when Kanda failed to react and eventually he felt obliged to glare at them all, daring them to comment. They did not expect him to make a fuss about Alma trying to steal a piece of tempura, did they? After all Jerry, probably in ecstasy that Kanda was there for his birthday for once, had made much more than Kanda could possibly eat. It was only reasonable that he gives some to Alma, even if the other dipped it in mayonnaise instead of tsuyu.

Beanspourt and Lavi exchanged glance and then Beansprout reached out with his fork with the obvious intent to pick up a tempura piece. Kanda narrowed his eyes and when the mute threat didn't work, he pinched the Beansprout with his chopsticks forcefully. The Brit jumped with a small shout and glared back, rubbing his hand. Then he exchanged another look with Lavi and Kanda didn't really like what it meant. He regretted his actions, not sure what they meant.

'Marie, you try as well,' Lavi suggested suddenly, but the blind man only laughed and said he didn't feel like getting attacked with chopsticks. Half of Kanda was smug that at least one person knew how to behave and the other half was wondering what has overcome him to allow Alma to eat his tempura. But he had. And he did again and Alma made sure to eat the next piece slowly, a smug smile on his face. And Kanda resigned himself to focus on his food and soon enough the conversations restarted around him.

By the time they finished eating it was decided that Lavi, Beansprout and Lenalee would show Alma around the headquarters and Alma nearly begged Kanda to join. Not that he needed to beg, Kanda thought bitterly as his annoying nemesis gathered the gifts and pushed them into Kanda's arms, correctly guessing that Kanda would leave them behind. It would be rude, he knew, but so was staring and damn it if he hadn't noticed everybody staring every time Alma picked up a piece of tempura from his plate or said something for which Kanda would have killed anybody else. Besides, he didn't care if he was rude, or so he tried to tell himself. Everybody must have known by now that he normally threw the gifts away unwrapped.

The tour was a blur and the dinner was a repetition of lunch, minus the congratulations and the gifts, which were neatly stacked away in Kanda's wardrobe so that he could ignore them. He also ignored the people eating around him, instead thinking about Alma's room. As every Exorcist, Alma got his room, rather far from Kanda's as well and checking it out during the tour made Kanda realize that he would have to part with Alma very soon. Fear, nearly forgotten in the embarrassment of the gifts and the excitement of the tour, seeped back into his thoughts. He said nothing though, because he had wrecked his reputation enough that one day. He was not going to ask Alma to stay with him in front of everybody and they were never given a moment alone until time came to bid everybody good night.

When he woke up it was dark. He was confused until his eyes focused on the patters on the wall for long enough to recognize them. Starlight filtering through the stained-glass window was enough to create a colourful display of a scene Kanda was sure he should know, only he had studiously ignored both Sirlins and Tiedoll teaching him about the Bible. Lines of darkness sliced the colours: the bars on his window to prevent him from jumping out, signalizing even clearer than the scene that it was his room. Only, he didn't really remember getting there nor going to sleep. Everything after Alma was blurred and a fear gripped him. It was a dream, wasn't it? It would have been too beautiful otherwise.

Pain blossomed in his chest as he numbly watched the light pattern on the bare wall, not really seeing it. One day with Alma: this is what the dream had given him. He should be grateful, he supposed, because it was not the usual nightmares of the Sixth Lab that haunted him around his "birthday". Then why did he feel like something was tearing him apart from the inside? Why did it hurt so badly that he wanted to curl up on himself and cry?

But Kanda Yuu didn't cry and Yuu had died together with Alma that horrible day. He blinked rapidly, trying to dispel the tears welling up in his eyes, in his head replaying that improbable meeting in the canteen. The shock, the uncertainty: he felt them again and again he felt the hope, but it was bitter because now he knew it was a dream. He closed his eyes as a treacherous tear fell down his face, but the images continued. After all, he thought bitterly, they were in his head, they had always been.

He should have realized, he thought, when Alma told him that weird story about his body starting to regenerate after a long time. The regeneration was nearly instantaneous for them back then and even now Kanda took a couple of days at most. Unless he died: then the Seal acted immediately even now and so Alma would have been resurrected immediately as well. How naive of him to believe the story his subconscious made up.

Oh, but how he wanted to believe it! He had never thought having Alma back was a possibility and even now he knew it wasn't, but the dream would probably be enough for his hope to feed on and then eat at him with the thoughts of "what ifs". He could feel it even now: the tiny spark of hope in his cold heart that wanted him to go and check the room that was supposed to be assigned to Alma. His legs twitched at the very thought, but he willed himself to stay in his bed, because he knew he wouldn't be able to stand the disappointment.

Of course he would have to face the reality morning come. His face contorted into a painful grimace at the thought because it would be his birthday "again" and he would be haunted by the dream at every step. He would train, waiting for the half-heard conversation that would not come. He would go to the canteen hoping, despite everything he knew, to hear those words.

"Happy birthday, Yuu."

Kanda chocked on a sob he didn't want to utter. The shy, happy voice echoed in his head as it did every year, but now it was echoed by the same voice sounding more grown up. What has he done to deserve it?

You killed your only friend, his mind supplied immediately and Kanda moaned quietly in pain as it became unbearable. The blood on his hands could never be washed. He had killed Alma for a ghost he would probably never find and knowing that hurt even more. He could have died back then with Alma, he could have been free from this excuse of a life, yet he chose to look for "her". And she has probably died long ago and Kanda didn't even know when it was. He had nothing to go on in his search and he had found nothing.

Alma had died for nothing, he thought and finally gave up. Tears silently trailed down his face as he curled up on the bed.


	4. Chapter 4

**I was really tempted to leave it as it was in the previous part: a dream. Really, really tempted…**

* * *

><p>He woke up in the morning, momentarily confused by the high ceiling and the stained-glass window, through which the sun shone brightly. He sat up on the bed, looking at the austere room with no decorations whatsoever. It didn't look homey in the least but, as the memories of the previous day filtered through his sleepy brain, he felt his lips stretch in a slow smile. Surely the sixth of June could have hardly been more perfect a day. Surely he could make the seventh of June just as perfect as the sixth, he thought with a short laugh and jumped out of the bed.<p>

He was eager to be out and about, discovering the place and meeting people. However, his usual, morning routine took him a bit more than usual, because he needed to open all the drawers to find the clothes he needed and then he got lost on the way to the common baths. He did not let that bring him down, nothing could bring him down. At least being somewhat later for breakfast meant that, by the time he was ready to eat there was a crowd in the canteen and it was easy to find just by listening. And the smell of food. The smell of food was usually a sure way to attract him just about anywhere, which, he has been told, was normal for a parasitic type Exorcist.

It explained things, Alma thought as he made his way down to the canteen. Back in the lab, when the only thing he and Yuu had been given to eat were sets upon sets of pills, Alma ate them because his stomach demanded to be filled. Yuu needed to be forced and even mayonnaise didn't do the trick, although Alma wasn't sure how it was possible. Nobody could dislike mayonnaise. Even when he started progressively getting real food, his body judged stable enough to sustain itself without the portions of vitamins and nutrients in the form of medication, he put mayonnaise on nearly everything.

He tried things first, of course. Mostly. That was how he discovered mitarashi dango, the first thing he and Yuu got to eat only a day before the tragedy unfolded. Then, coming back and starting to eat normally, he discovered cheese cake and carrot cake, neither of which needed the smallest drop of mayonnaise to be absolutely awesome. He was sure that he could convince Yuu to try at least the latter and enjoy it. Or, that failing, he would figure out how to make a green tea cake, since that was not sweet and Yuu's dislike for sweets has been clearly stated the previous day. It was slightly surprising, because Alma was sure Yuu had liked the sweet, gluey rice flour balls in sweet soy sauce. He would ask, eventually, but he would definitely get some carrot cake and make Yuu try as well.

The beauty of being judged grown up was in the free choice of food, Alma mused as Jerry the cook heaped omelette and pickles into a bowl, putting it next to the rice and miso soup and the day's breakfast salad on Alma's tray. He opted also for some Occidental dishes, wanting to try the fried bacon, cooked sausages and potato scones. Tomorrow he would try the scrambled eggs with the other kind of sausage instead of the omelette, he decided, picking up his tray after Jerry deposited a huge piece of carrot cake on it. Tomorrow he would also try the cherry pie, it looked good, he thought, seeing it on the tray of some random Finder as he passed. He easily found the table where the Exorcists were sitting, greeting them as he approached.

Yuu wasn't there.

Alma paused, unsure. Was he too late or too early? Should he continue or go to look for Yuu? He couldn't help the disappointment that flooded him, even though he genuinely enjoyed the company of the others. He should have thought to pass by Yuu's room and pick his best friend up, but it didn't occur to him that Yuu wouldn't be there. He pursed his lips and continued towards the table, deciding to not be rude on his second day in the headquarters. The other Exorcists, although they could never be as important as Yuu, would, after all, become his friends as well, or so he hoped.

'Yuu usually tries to avoid us at meals,' Lavi said as though he was reading in Alma's thoughts. 'Or he just skipped breakfast completely to train longer, since yesterday he didn't do his training quota,' he added with just a tiny hint of mocking in his tone. Next to him Allen rolled his eyes as Alma sat down. 'He does that sometimes. I can help you get to the training room he uses after we eat,' the redhead offered.

'Thank you,' Alma replied, smile coming back on his face. 'Does Yuu train a lot?' he asked. Allen snorted and told him that training and meditating were the only things "Kanda" did and Alma stared. 'Meditating? Yuu meditates?' he asked, surprised. In his head the memories of the impulsive and aggressive child did not fit with the idea of meditation. The previous day he saw that Yuu was still the impulsive, often angry person and it still did not fit with the image of him sitting motionless and clearing his mind.

'Sure he does. Sometimes I meditate with him,' said Lenalee cheerfully. Right afterwards, her expression clouded over with something like worry for a moment, but it passed and Alma decided to consider it another time. He went about eating his meal as fast as possible, only leaving the carrot cake behind. He wanted to make Yuu try it and he would and Yuu should know better than hiding from him. It never worked in the lab and it wouldn't work in the headquarters.

Allen and Lenalee laughed when they realized that he planned to take the cake to the training room, teasing him for fighting a lost case. Lavi immediately made a bet with them, claiming that Alma would manage to feed some to Yuu. They took it just as fast, both betting against Alma, much to Alma's amusement. They were in for a surprise, he was sure, but he said nothing for the moment. Instead, all together they went to the training room only to find it empty and their moods fell.

'Well, he might have just finished and have gone to the shower,' Lenalee suggested helpfully, after a moment of heavy silence. She sounded like she barely believed her own words and Alma knew she was wrong. He should have realized that something was wrong when Yuu wasn't there in the canteen or didn't come to pick him up in the morning. Then again, neither did he, although the thought crossed his mind. He gave it up after getting lost on the way to the baths, figuring that it would be faster to just go to eat and meet Yuu there.

'He might have gone just to escape the cake?' Allen offered in an obvious effort to lighten the situation, but it came out unconvincing. Alma laughed shortly nevertheless, shaking his head. He thanked them and said that he would go and they let him. He could feel their gazes on his back as he walked down the corridor in silence. He heard Allen say something more after he turned the corner, but he didn't care to listen, thinking.

As he walked, slowly and aimlessly, it occurred to him that the previous day felt like a dream come true, which it was. With any luck it felt like a dream come true for Yuu as well and maybe even more so, since Yuu didn't know that Alma was alive and well and wasn't just waiting "for the right moment". Yuu had really lived the last nine years, the most of his life, thinking he had killed Alma. What if he woke up thinking the previous day was just a dream? Alma sure would if he had woken up in his old room and if he hadn't travelled for days upon days to reach the headquarters of the Black Order in a hurry to make it for Yuu's birthday.

More than once, during the eight years he was "back", Alma woke up from nightmares about Yuu dying somewhere on a mission before Alma managed to meet him, before they managed to make up for the time lost due to his madness. Just as many times he dreamt about the day when they would finally meet and waking up from those dreams left him with a feeling of longing and impatience, with nearly physical pain at their separation. How much would it hurt if he thought Yuu was dead? A lot more, he could bet. He didn't really want to know, but he did notice the caution in Yuu's reactions in the beginning of the day, as though he dared not believe in the reality in front of his eyes. He did notice the fear that Yuu tried so desperately to hide. It was obvious, now, what caused the fear and Alma really should have consider that more. But no, he was too drunk on his own happiness.

'You're so stupid, Alma,' he muttered to himself, directing his footsteps towards where he hoped Yuu's room was. Finders were giving him funny looks and it took a while to realize that he was still carrying a huge portion of carrot cake in his hand. He briefly considered leaving the cake behind, but it didn't seem polite to mess up the spotlessly clean castle. It occurred to him that he could just give the cake to any of the Finders he passed on the way, but it looked way too delicious to part ways with, stupid as the notion was, in the face of his current problem.

It took much too long until Alma finally recognized the corridor and, more precisely, the door to Yuu's room. For reasons completely beyond his understanding, there were no name tags on the doors, making it much more difficult to find a particular room, but he remembered the small defects of the wall just next to the heavy, wooden door. They looked as though somebody tried to chip away the bricks or stabbed them with a blade. He would ask about it one day, but for the moment he focused on the doors and knocked hard.

Nothing. He couldn't hear anything on the other side of the door, but that didn't mean anything because the doors in the Black Order's headquarters were thick, thicker even than the ones Alma was used to in the Asian Branch. If there was somebody inside, even if they were walking around, Alma didn't think he would hear anything. He waited for a moment before deciding to knock again, slightly harder.

Something smashed against the door with force, the sound making Alma literally jump. At least he knew that Yuu was awake, he thought, hopelessly trying to find humour in the situation. And he clearly doesn't want visitors, he amended with a wince. He knocked again: again harder and more insistent. Hopefully Yuu would realize that he wasn't going away any time soon and open. If he didn't, Alma would kick down the door eventually. He was sure he would manage, despite how sturdy it looked.

'Go away,' shouted Yuu from the other side of the door. Alma winced, because he didn't sound happy and not even as angry as he should be, from what Alma remembered. At the same time he felt somewhat relieved: he did get the right door for sure. The answer came automatically:

'No can do, Yuu,' he sang as loud as he dared, glad that there was nobody around. The last thing he wanted was to create a scene in front of Yuu's room. There was silence on the other side and, resigned, he raised his hand to knock again but something stopped him. He waited as patiently as he could make himself, while seconds trickled by. He was rewarded, after what seemed like an eternity, by the clicking of the lock. The doors cracked open slowly to reveal Yuu. Alma's heart broke at the sight.

Dark eyes, reddish from crying looked at him, wide and hopeful and scared at the same time.

'Oh Yuu, I'm so sorry,' he whispered, taking in the rest of Yuu's dishevelled appearance. Without thinking, he pushed the door open further and enveloped the other in a tight hug, mindful of the cake only enough to not slam it against Yuu's back. Yuu remained rigid in his arms and it felt like a dagger twisting in his heart. He forced himself to let go, moved them both further into the room and closed the door, locking it even, to make sure that they will not be disturbed. He put the cake on the bedside table, smirking slightly at Yuu's incredulous gaze directed towards it.

'This is a dream,' the swordsman said finally, his hoarse voice barely above a whisper, as he looked back at Alma, more despairing than hopeful now. Alma shook his head vigorously. 'I cannot do this anymore. I cannot, I- I miss you so much, Alma, but if I believe in this and then I wake up alone again, I-' he paused and swallowed thickly. Tears welled up in Alma's eyes as he listened to the broken voice. 'I cannot even kill myself and be done with it,' Yuu breathed, barely voicing the horrible words. A chill ran down Alma's spine.

'Well then you will not wake up alone,' Alma promised, blinking rapidly to dispel the tears that were blurring his vision. Yuu looked at him with surprise and hope, but the emotions quickly dissolved into resignation, lips pursing into a thin line. 'I will stay with you as long as you need. As long as you want,' Alma amended.

'Don't promise things you cannot keep,' Yuu mumbled, looking away. Oh, but I can keep this one, Alma thought. There was nothing in the Order, nothing on the Earth that could force him to leave Yuu. He smiled sadly and hooked a finger under Yuu's chin, gently but firmly turning his head so that he was facing him again. He waited patiently until the dark eyes locked with his before speaking.

'I promise,' he said simply, his tone firm. Yuu's eyes widened slightly for a moment. Then they glazed over with tears and closed and Alma took that as a cue to hug Yuu again, this time getting hugged back almost immediately. 'I'm sorry Yuu, I wasn't thinking yesterday. The headquarters felt so much like home that I forgot you really thought I was dead. I forgot how easy it is to believe in dreams when you want something so much. I-'

'Just,' Yuu cut him, the word coming out as half a sob. 'Don't say anything more,' he requested in a broken whisper. Maybe he still didn't believe that he wasn't dreaming. He looked like he hadn't slept much the previous night and so, after a while, Alma guided his best and only friend towards the dishevelled bed. He sat against the wall and forced Yuu to pretty much lay on top of him, cradling him close. He wrapped the cover loosely around them and, much to his embarrassment, fell asleep himself in a matter of minutes.

**})i({**

First, he became aware of the warmth. It was an alien feeling and very confusing but nonetheless very much welcome. He was half laying on top of something warm a ribbon of warmth wrapped around him as well, which was in itself bizarre and brought images of situations in which he definitely didn't see himself. However, when the warmth under his cheek moved slightly, up and down, he recognized it for what it was: breathing. And breathing meant a person and-

He sat up abruptly, awkwardly, because his legs were somewhat entangled with the legs of the person on whom he was sleeping. The person who was now blinking himself awake, confused but content, smiling softly at him. And Kanda could only stare, taking in the smallest details. The way the warm, brown eyes focused slowly. The sparkle in them. The scar that he knew so well, running across the cute nose. The smile that seemed to light up the other person's face.

Wait a moment! Did he just think that Alma's nose was cute?

'Good morning. Or probably: good afternoon. Would you like to try a carrot cake, Yuu?' Alma asked as though them waking up together on his bed was absolutely normal. Kanda blinked, the implications of the situation slowly sinking in. He had dreamed about Alma coming to the Black Order, hadn't he? He definitely remembered waking up in despair, painfully aware that it was just a dream. He remembered crying, he thought, hating the blush that warmed his cheeks. He remembered the other dream only- Only it didn't seem to be a dream after all.

As the thought occurred to him, he pinched his forearm hard and hissed. It didn't really hurt as much as surprised him: he was completely sure he would wake up instead. Alma looked at him with obvious amusement, hiding worry in Alma's eyes, and he scowled, because he didn't like to be mocked nor did he like to be pitied. The scowl had less effect than it did on Lavi, unfortunately, and Alma picked up the cake he brought before, for reasons known only to himself. The absurdity of this situation was not lost on him, but he found himself beyond caring.

'You really are here,' he said, annoyed at the incredulity in his own voice. Alma's smile widened and brightened. It could easily rival the beansprout's, except Alma's looked so much better. Alma's smile was real, warm. It was the same smile he remembered from the rare, cheerful memories he had from the labs, the smile he thought he had killed in his selfish folly. 'It really was not a dream,' he muttered, unable to look away from the blinding smile.

'It wasn't,' Alma confirmed, his tone torn somewhere between joy and seriousness. 'I'm sorry I left you yesterday evening. I should have known it wouldn't be easy to believe that I was back after nine years,' he added, but Kanda shook his head. He didn't want to think about it and he didn't want Alma's apologies. Alma, and only Alma out of the whole world, had nothing to apologize to him for. Rather he should apologize and he would, one day, when a forkful of carrot cake would not be pointed at him, disturbingly close to his mouth.

'What do you think you're d-' he started, but Alma used it to stuff the food into his mouth and Kanda was entirely too proud to spit it out again. Not to mention that they were still sitting on his bed and he would be damned if he was the one to dirty it with cake. 'If you leave any crumbles on my bed I'm going to make you regret this stupid idea,' he threatened half-heartedly, because he was also too proud to admit that he actually liked the cake. All the same, he voluntarily ate the second forkful, blushing at Alma's smug expression.

He regretted eating half of the cake, watching Alma enjoy the other half, only when they showed up in the canteen, sometime later. The place was full with people, it being dinner time already, and apparently Alma hadn't been very discreet when he took the cake. Quite the opposite, Kanda found, Alma had accepted the idiot rabbit, stupid beansprout and Lenalee to bet whether he would eat the cake or not. He wished dearly he hadn't. However, when Lavi asked he answered truthfully, feeling his reputation crumble a tiny bit.

He should be angry, he knew. Maybe, probably, one day he would be, but for the moment he was too content to close a chapter of his life. It was a long chapter and full of pain and guilt. It was a chapter of blood on his hands and hate in his heart. And although the hate wasn't gone and would probably never be, the blood was. The pain would fade into a distant memory and the guilt was already forgiven. One day he would accept that forgiveness.

And the world would be perfect if only his food tray did not arrive, brought by an overly cheerful Alma, containing not only his preferred zaru soba but the gluey, sweet treat he remembered from the Asian Branch. It was the first "real" food he and Alma ever ate and it had been delicious back then, but became irrevocably tied to the tragedy that occurred the day after. He refused to eat it since, scowling when beansprout swallowed one after the other.

'What is this thing doing on my tray?' he asked, not even having to pretend his anger. Alma pouted and it took effort to not react to the expression. He refused to let himself be swayed by so little. 'Don't give me that look, Alma. I-'

'Used to like it before,' Alma finished for him, his pout gone, replaced by a truly devilish smile. Kanda pursed his lips into a thin line, glaring at the incredulous exclamations of rabbit, beansprout and Lenalee. 'Remember when we tried it the first time? I've been thinking about that day every time I ate it afterwards, waiting for the time we're going to eat it together again,' he said. Something inside of Kanda melted at those words and, fearing it would show, he glared harder at Alma.

'How can you even say such a cheesy thing?' he asked, keeping his voice cold and controlled. 'I want to puke now, before I even try this, this thing,' he added, face twisting in disgust. Alma smiled at him with an infuriating kind of understanding and, if he was upset by his words he didn't let it show. The same couldn't be said about the other Exorcists at the table, unfortunately.

'That's harsh even for Yuu-chan,' Lavi scolded him, half mockingly.

'BaKanda, you're such a heartless asshole,' beansprout exclaimed at the same time, the shock in his tone mirroring the one on Lenalee's face. Kanda told them all to shut up and went about eating his meal, ignoring the conversation that restarted around him. And in the end he ate the mitarashi dango, without Alma even having to poke him about it. And of course Alma didn't miss that fact, eating his own sweets and smiling as brightly as the sun.


End file.
